| Tired |
[02/10/10 @ 3:00 pm] |
It makes me feel nervous. I hate feeling nervous. I almost never feel nervous. I don't want to leave papi behind. I've spent my life with him, and we are all each other have after mami left us. The only thing I can do when I feel this way is paint, draw, goodness, even a coloring book would help. I need to go get some materials tomorrow, papi gave me some money to buy some clothes, shoes, and supplies for when I go away. I get the feeling...or he might have directly told me...that I need to buy some hair stuff and soap, things like that. I'd rather buy canvas and new paint, but I know he would be disappointed.
I don't even want to wonder about my new school. I have a meeting with the dean tomorrow, I guess they'll help me with some of my questions. It will be like the others but I'll get to paint more I suppose. I hope I don't have a roommate. I don't like having to be close to people that was my favorite thing about getting to go home is getting a break from all of the people who swarm around me and their endlessly chattering voices. What will I do at a boarding school? Where will I be able to hide? What am I hiding from? Myself...or something else. I ask too many questions of myself and others. What will I do alone? I know I can call every day and hopefully he'll visit or I'll visit every weekend but it's just not the same.
Is Wickhaven a blessing? Did God choose this path for me? That's what papi always says, but how could I ever really know? For some reason I feel like this might be a mixed blessing...like there's something hidden beneath the surface that I can't quite get to. Why has Wickhaven chosen me? Is it normal to meet with the dean before attending a school? What does it mean? Too many questions. I just need to focus on being able to paint.
I'm a baby. Or what do they call it? Daddy's girl. Either way I need to be packing right now and then head off to the store.
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